THE FLOATER Story Outline -
Act I:
Scene 1: Girls on the beach get freaked out by seaweed, laugh it off.
Scene 2: Benji and his mom arrive at the beach.
Scene 3: Girls actually begin to struggle with the seaweed. Benji goes over, pulling the seaweed away.
Act II:
Scene 1: Benji gets pulled down long enough to find out [TWIST] that seaweed is an actual monster.
Scene 2: He puts on his "Floater" costume - superhero "change".
Scene 3: Benji starts attacking the seaweed on the surface.
Scene 4: The monster retaliates, and captures Benji forcing him to be knocked down by the wave.
Act III:
Scene 1: Benji is winded by the wave, and his morale is low.
Scene 2: He dives back into the water for a final battle, leaving his floaties behind.
Scene 3: Benji draws the seaweed back to the surface, long enough for a wave to finally knock it back to shore.
Scene 4: Now that the monster is out of water, Benji can finally throw it into a bonfire (though the beachgoers' with said bonfires don't seem happy that a pile of seaweed has now put out the fire).
Scene 5: Benji rejoins his mom for hot dogs and smores, now that the beach is safe.
The Story Itself:
We open with some girls laughing in the water,
while one of them screams at the feel of seaweed around her legs. She pulls it
out of the water, laughing as well and throws it upon the shore. The sand is
covered with towels and lawn chairs, people tanning and tossing Frisbees as
cars pull up to the shore. One car in particular pulls up – a small blue VW bug
from which Benji and his mother emerge. His mother starts to pull out the
umbrellas and towels, while Benji with a big grin on his face, hurriedly makes his
way towards the beach.
Assessing the area, Benji finds the perfect spot on the shore and yells to his mother to hurry. The mother’s hands are full, with an umbrella on her back, an ice chest in one hand, and a bag in the other. She places the umbrella in the sand to claim Benji’s spot, and Benji begins to pull his supplies out of the bag. Before he can get in the water, his mother stops him, spraying him with sunscreen and applying a zinc coat to his nose.
Benji runs to the waves and dives in. He is enthralled with the water, and looks through his goggles to examine the shells, the fish. When suddenly, he hears the girls scream again. This time, the three girls are all struggling to get back to shore, where seaweed is clearly pulling at their legs. Benji starts paddling over, and pulls the seaweed away, but ends up getting pulled into the water. Never letting go of his grip, he's holding his breath as he goes deeper only to make eye contact with the monster itself. He gasps, losing his grip, and rising again to the surface. He runs back to his mother and starts putting on his fins, floaters, and goggles, becoming his own personal hero, "the Floater". He also grabs his plastic shovel and pail, and starts stabbing the seaweed still floating on shore, gathering it in his pail to throw back on the land and diving down long enough to sever the connections. The monster, growing more upset as its "arms " continue to be torn away, draws closer to the surface. It grabs Benji, who struggles to break free. But the monster holds on long enough for a big wave to come crashing Benji down, tossing him onto the shore with the rest of the seaweed pieces.
Once Benji catches his breath long enough to return to the water, the seaweed monster is already descending to the depths. He can see his fin sinking with the monster, still clutched in the monster's kelp arm from when it had Benji in a hold. Determinedly, Benji climbs the closest rock and removes his floaters. While he now feels more vulnerable than he ever has before, he knows what "The Floater" needs to do. Placing his remaining fin and floaters down, he dives into the water, smooth as can be. Making long strokes, he swims down and down.
Assessing the area, Benji finds the perfect spot on the shore and yells to his mother to hurry. The mother’s hands are full, with an umbrella on her back, an ice chest in one hand, and a bag in the other. She places the umbrella in the sand to claim Benji’s spot, and Benji begins to pull his supplies out of the bag. Before he can get in the water, his mother stops him, spraying him with sunscreen and applying a zinc coat to his nose.
Benji runs to the waves and dives in. He is enthralled with the water, and looks through his goggles to examine the shells, the fish. When suddenly, he hears the girls scream again. This time, the three girls are all struggling to get back to shore, where seaweed is clearly pulling at their legs. Benji starts paddling over, and pulls the seaweed away, but ends up getting pulled into the water. Never letting go of his grip, he's holding his breath as he goes deeper only to make eye contact with the monster itself. He gasps, losing his grip, and rising again to the surface. He runs back to his mother and starts putting on his fins, floaters, and goggles, becoming his own personal hero, "the Floater". He also grabs his plastic shovel and pail, and starts stabbing the seaweed still floating on shore, gathering it in his pail to throw back on the land and diving down long enough to sever the connections. The monster, growing more upset as its "arms " continue to be torn away, draws closer to the surface. It grabs Benji, who struggles to break free. But the monster holds on long enough for a big wave to come crashing Benji down, tossing him onto the shore with the rest of the seaweed pieces.
Once Benji catches his breath long enough to return to the water, the seaweed monster is already descending to the depths. He can see his fin sinking with the monster, still clutched in the monster's kelp arm from when it had Benji in a hold. Determinedly, Benji climbs the closest rock and removes his floaters. While he now feels more vulnerable than he ever has before, he knows what "The Floater" needs to do. Placing his remaining fin and floaters down, he dives into the water, smooth as can be. Making long strokes, he swims down and down.
*Now I'm not sure how the final battle will go
after this. Will he actually defeat the monster, getting it back to shore? If
so how will he? Or will he find out the monster is actually acting out because
it's hurt or something along those lines, and actually save the monster - and
thus save everyone else. So yes, I am stumped on the ending right now.
Fun story, but definitely needs an end. Right now it is too long. Start with Benji alrerady on the beach with his mom – she could be putting the finishing touches on his nose as he sees the girls “being attacked” and ne wants to break away to provie assistance. I like the story, but feel it will play best if it is a fantasy of sorts and not a real monster( though maybe this will remain ambiguous). BTW – I have made comments and graded the character development (did so some time ago) so please be sure to check your post for the comments and TITANium for the grade.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the critique Chuck! I agree that having it start a little more in the middle of things will be easier time-wise. I also am more inclined to keep it ambiguous, so that the threat of the monster feels real even though it could turn out to be just his imagination like you said.
DeleteI'll send you an updated story stat!